July 21st, 2009

a little of the old ulta-violent

How to make a child look scary

The actress, in makeup and character                       The poster                    

How to make a child look scary:
- increase shadows and deepen eye sockets
- make eyes larger and darker
- realign hair part (as well as all other details, such as hair ribbons) to be perfectly symmetrical
- enlongate head and give her a high forehead
- make eyebrows bushier
- make neck skinnier and longer, making head look even larger
- darken colors and give her an otherworldly backlit glow

The forthcoming horror movie Orphan has already garnered a great deal of controversy for making orphans and kids who were adopted (as well as, apparently, homely people, and girls named Esther) feel bad about themselves. The trailer actually included the line, “It must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own” which the studio removed after receiving a huge number of complaints from adoptive parents and foster care organizations – although I’m sure it remains in the movie. (Here’s another factoid about this movie: its title has been changed from “The Orphan” to “Orphan.” Really, some studio executive who’s paid a seven-figure salary came up with that “note,” ’cause presumably without the article in the title it’s even scarier.)

Who comes up with these tired plots? I’m so sick of seeing movies where beauty is venerated, the status quo not only unquestioned but reinforced, and transgressiveness demonized. I’m sick and tired of unattractiveness being equated with evil (and vice versa), ’cause when I take a look at most of the evil people in the world they look pretty average to me. I’m tired of fat always equaling funny. I’m tired of the villains being gay, and gays the sexless sidekicks at best and otherwise sick and pathetic. Really, Hollywood, why not give us yet another movie of thin beautiful people smoking and having (or at least trying to have) sex?

I’ve got a plot for the next big horror movie: a homely young woman named Esther travels to Hollywood and through guile and intelligence hunts down and kills the writers, director, producers, and studio heads who made this piece of trash.

And nothing makes a bad movie campaign even worse than reproducing it 14 stories tall on the side of a building. At least it makes me feel good that I don’t have a pricey high-rise apartment on Park Avenue South and have to look at this for six months, because these ads remain up until another company pays to have them painted over with a new one.